From navigating singleness and dating apps to dealing with betrayal, divorce and rebellious teenagers, Professor Bill Dogterom offers practical wisdom for some of life’s most complicated relationships—and reminds us why our identity must first be anchored in Jesus.
Professor Bill Dogterom is a professor of pastoral ministries and spiritual formation at Vanguard University, bringing with him more than 25 years of experience in senior pastoral leadership. He taught a course on Spiritual Formation at City Harvest School of Theology in 2025 and was also one of the presenters at the Asia Pentecostal Summit 2026. What stands out in his teaching is the way he weaves small but profound nuggets of practical wisdom into every lesson—insights that are deeply theological yet immediately applicable to ministry and everyday life.
In this special interview, Prof Bill speaks with clarity and conviction about some of the most personal and pressing areas of the Christian journey. He reflects on the blessings and challenges of singleness and dating, the difficult but necessary work of forgiveness in relationships, and the complexities of walking through conflict, resentment, and even divorce. He also shares about the sacred responsibility of parenting, and how spiritual intimacy with God shapes and sustains our relationships through every season of life.
CITYNEWS: You taught “Introduction to Soul Care” at the School of Theology in September 2025, and one of the topics you covered was dating. For the sake of our younger readers, when do you think a person “ready” to date?
PROF BILL DOGTEROM: It varies from person to person. A person needs to have made some progress in leaving home and becoming their own person—not defining themselves solely by their family of origin or their peer group—and to have begun thinking seriously about who they are.
I think there are two stages of dating. One is simply casual dating for fun and enjoyment. If you can manage that without feeling the need to push the relationship towards greater commitment, then you can probably start dating whenever you and your parents feel you are ready.
But if you are thinking about dating with marriage in mind, then you need to ask yourself, “Do I think I will be ready to make a lifelong commitment to someone within the next year and a half or two years?” Perhaps that is around age 20 or 22, when you have finished your education or begun your career. Those can serve as general social markers.
Then there is another important question: Have I made good progress in becoming my own person? You want whoever you date to be dating you—a person with a growing sense of identity and maturity—not simply a product of all the other relationships and influences that have shaped you. In other words, one should have enough emotional differentiation and self-understanding that they are not entering a relationship primarily as an extension of their parents, family expectations, peer group, or even previous relationships.
What would you say to a single Christian female who is actively looking for a partner but can’t find a suitable Christian male in the church?
First of all, I would make it part of your prayer life. Be in conversation with Jesus about it.
Then think about the areas of ministry or activity that genuinely interest you—perhaps children’s ministry, a missions trip, media, worship, or something else. As you serve and participate in those spaces, pay attention to the people who consistently show up alongside you.
In other words, look at who is already in the same “ballpark” as you—people who may share similar interests, values, commitments, and a desire to serve God. Rather than focusing only on finding someone to date, begin by noticing the people who are already walking in a similar direction, and be open to getting to know them better.
What are your thoughts on dating apps?
A significant number of the dating relationships I walk alongside that are now moving towards marriage actually began online, particularly through dating apps.
Dating apps vary widely, and they can also be limiting because they rely heavily on algorithms. They are designed to preselect people for you, sometimes perhaps too narrowly. In some ways, though, they are simply taking on the role that matchmakers, aunts, uncles, or other members of the community might have played in previous generations—helping to connect you with someone you might otherwise never meet.
So dating apps can serve a useful purpose, but you still need to approach them prayerfully and with discernment.
And remember, you still have to do the hard work of dating the actual person—not their profile. You need to meet them, spend time with them, and learn who they really are over time. Pay attention to red flags when they appear. People can present themselves very well online, but when warning signs begin to surface, don’t ignore them simply because you are already emotionally invested.
What would you say to a single who is grappling with feelings of rejection or abandonment? Perhaps wondering, “Why am I not good enough? Doesn’t God care about how I feel?”
The first place to start is to ask, “Why am I putting my sense of value in somebody else’s hands rather than in the hands of God?” Then ask, “Can I go deeper in my relationship with God?”
Silence and solitude can be important places where we learn to hear the voice of God saying, “You’re My beloved. I’m proud of you. You’re precious to Me.” We need to let that truth sink deeply enough to displace the lies we may have believed about ourselves.
At the same time, there is also a place for self-examination. You can ask the Holy Spirit, “Is there something I’m missing? Is there anything in my life that I need to pay attention to or address?” There may be nothing in particular, but there may also be something Jesus, in His love, wants to bring to your attention.
It can also be helpful to speak with a few close friends who know you well and whom you trust, and ask whether there are areas in which you could grow.
But for me, it all begins with anchoring your identity in Jesus. Your value is not ultimately determined by whether someone chooses you or rejects you, but by the One who already calls you His beloved.
When we’re seeking God’s will for an important decision but He seems silent, how do we know whether to keep waiting for direction or simply make a choice?
If you are faithfully following Christ, praying, and sincerely seeking Him, and God still seems silent, here’s what I think: He’s trusting you with your life. He’s saying, “I love you! That’s what you want to do? Let’s do that.” He wants us to choose on our own. “Yes, you might hit your head and I could have prevented it—but you would have learned nothing if I had stopped it.”
Sometimes we assume that if we know God’s will, everything will work out smoothly—that our marriage will be easy, our children will turn out well, we will get the right job or promotion, and life will somehow fall into place at the centre of His will. But that is not how Scripture presents the will of God. Jesus lived completely within the Father’s will, and yet His path still led Him to the cross.
So when we are deciding between one job and another, one school and another, or even whether to pursue a particular relationship, perhaps the question is not always, “Which one is God’s perfect choice?” Sometimes there may be more than one good and faithful option.
God’s primary concern is not simply whether you choose this or that, but who you are becoming through those choices. His desire is to form you into the likeness of Christ, and He is able to work in your life through any of those choices. So choose, have fun—and bring Him into the realities you are invited into.
And if it matters that much, He is very, very capable of communicating in such a way that you would not miss it—even writing on the wall in flames, if He needs to.
Sometimes, too, what feels like God’s silence may actually be our reluctance to act on what He has already shown us. In those moments, perhaps what we need is not more guidance, but wisdom or courage to do what we already know is right.
Ultimately, we can trust that God is at work in all things, even when His direction does not come in the way we expect.
How would you counsel someone who feels trapped in resentment toward a spouse or family member, and doesn’t know how to let go? Perhaps in incidents involving betrayal.
Well, that’s what forgiveness was invented for. We talked about two different levels of forgiveness. One is decisional forgiveness, where we act in deliberate forgiveness—or, as I would say, practise the ritual of forgiveness.
This is where we lean into the pain of the betrayal and pray through it. We lean into the feelings of that betrayal and pray for the offending party. It’s deliberate and intentional—sometimes writing it out, sometimes making a conscious statement like, “Lord, this is in Your hands. I release this person from the pain they caused me. I release them into Your hands to do with as You wish, and I release myself from the responsibility to make them pay.”
Then we go through that as often as it takes. As soon as I become aware of lingering resentment, bitterness, or anger, I can take advantage of that as a spiritual practice to forgive them again.
Then ask yourself: Is there grounds for restoration of the relationship? Is there some possibility of that if they accept responsibility for what they did or for the betrayal? And am I willing to take the risk? That depends on how deep the betrayal was, how deep the wound was, and how close the person was in the first place. That might take a while. Were they in a position of trust and did they violate that trust in some significant way that has left a particular wound?
If so, I need to keep praying and seeking the oil of the Holy Spirit to make my soul supple again, so that I can respond to people in real time rather than simply out of that wound.
I call it a ritual because it’s not going to be a one-time thing. Especially if it’s a deep betrayal, it will probably take time to unpack the different layers of the hurt and to keep choosing forgiveness as those layers surface.
What would you say to a divorcee (whether victim or offending party) who wishes to get married again?
You’ll want to watch out for loneliness that might be driving desperation. Again, your identity has to be anchored in Jesus, rather than handed over to somebody else to tell you who you are or to give you your value.
Second, you need to be able to forgive your ex-spouse and yourself, so that you’re not dating in reaction to them. In other words, “I didn’t like who they were, so I’m going to find somebody who is the complete opposite.” Instead, you want to be able to see and get to know the new person for who they are, without constantly defining them in reference to your ex-spouse.
You also need to pay attention and not rush into things, because desperation can cause us to push through the yellow lights. It can cause us to ignore warning signs and move too quickly, by habit, into a kind of relational familiarity that was once part of our marriage or early dating relationship with our ex-spouse. That can create an almost false sense of intimacy with this new person.
So, really take your time. Anchor your identity in Jesus, pay attention to the ruts on the side of the road that you’re likely to slip into, and allow the relationship to build naturally over time.
You mentioned that parenting ends once the kids reach 13 years old. How can a parent navigate the “rebellious”/ identity-asserting years that follow soon after that?
I don’t know that you can avoid it, and I don’t know that you entirely want to. In other words, you want to say to your teenagers, “Here are some buffers. Here are some rubber bumpers that you can hit up against. Hopefully, you won’t have to crash and burn in order to learn the lessons. But I want to increasingly hand you your life, and may the decisions you make be wise and careful. You don’t need to define yourself in opposition to me. You need to define yourself in the Lord, without reference to me.”
So it’s about handing them their life, and then being available without an “I told you so” when they do stupid or unwise things.
At about that age, they are wanting to become themselves, and part of that is going to involve peer groups and other influences. As parents, we will often do better with questions than with statements. We’re going to get further by asking rather than telling, and by inviting them to reflect.
For example, you might say, “Have you noticed that when you’re with this person, you seem to become more angry or snarky? Is that who you want to be?” That kind of question can be more helpful than simply making statements about what behaviour needs to be corrected.
So it really becomes an ongoing conversation—and a prayer process—because we are partnering with the Holy Spirit, who loves them even more than we do.
